


Why The X-Mansion no longer has a Roomba

by princess_fluffle



Category: Alien, Cherik - Fandom, Michael Fassbender - Fandom, Prometheus (2012), Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), X-Men (Movies), alien covenant, xmen - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Michael Fassbender - Freeform, Old mutants in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 03:25:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6837145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princess_fluffle/pseuds/princess_fluffle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a crack fic about Erik and Charles ordering a bb8 but receiving a David 8, who's disturbances to the X-Men's lives include getting protective over their vaccum</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why The X-Mansion no longer has a Roomba

10am- Doorbell rings

Erik rushed toward the door, running by the kitchen still in his robe and pajamas.

"I'm so excited!" He exclaimed.

"Mom, does Papa think he's a dog?"  
Tommy said, half serious.

"There are a lot of people around here," he nodded his head toward his older brother, "who haven't mastered their gifts yet."

"Sometimes when you get old," Peter Maximoff cut in, "the most exciting time of your day can be when the mail comes."

"Your uncle is right, little one," added Wade Wilson, who took a piece of toast from Peter's plate. "and when you're a Magneto, you can keep moving the mailbox to fuck with the mailman."

"WADE!" Wanda screamed, and then mouthed to her brother "is this a thing?"

"Sorry! Senile old magnets fuck with the mail PERSON."

"Daddy ordered a BB8 to surprise mommy-Charles with," Lorna said half disinterested. "And by the feeling of it, the truck just pulled away. Don't worry boys, your Grampneto is as with it as ever."

Erik came in with an eight foot box trailing behind him.

"It's here! Where's my Charles? I want him to be happy; you all need to get out."

"Father of the year-ladies and gents," Peter remarked.

"You all have minds and I'm guessing loose lips Lorna told you it's the BB8. I don't want to ruin the surprise when he opens it."  
  
"Hey! I did. But Daddy, that looks really big."

"Yes well you know how they package things, and there's a charging station or something. It's all in this booklet GET TO KNOW YOUR ANDROID model 8. Oh and Wanda, can you bloop a bow on the box please?"

The younger family members began to filter out into the living room and Peter remarked, "all Rey needed was a fork to keep him alive in the movie."

"Uncle Peter, that's a movie. In real life nobody would actually believe Oscar Isaacs as a good guy." Billy retorted.

As Charles entered from the opposite door, Erik closed the one closest to the living room.

"Oh darling; a gift for me? What's the occasion?"

"No occasion, I love you."

"Oh dear- what's the cost of the damage and how many injured or dead this time?"

Erik laughed and shook his head.

"None yet, really it's just a gift. Open it."

As Charles started unwrapping, Erik continued, "I knew how much you'd wanted something like this- how helpful it would be, and how you wouldn't get it for yourself..."

"Oh Erik I love it!" Charles' voice went up an octave in approval. "I've always wanted an android and it's so cute!"

"That's not it," Erik replied angrily. "It was supposed to be two little balls high."

The android, awoken by the box opening, began to speak. "Greetings new humans"

"What the hell did it just call me?" Barked Erik as Charles shushed him with a big smile.

"I believe you are speaking of the BB8 droid, of the Star Wars collection. Is this correct?" The droid turned toward Erik.

He nodded.

"Oh dear. That's what I thought. I am not a BB8, but rather the David 8. I was designed to be much more humanoid as to not bother humans like yourself."

"He said it again," Erik hissed at Charles.

"It is possible that the company sent you me instead, as the Star Wars collection tends to sell out rather quickly. However, you might have become confused and disoriented while ordering and chose the wrong 8. This sometimes happens with older people. In this case you can contact the company. Do you think you got disoriented due to advanced age, ordering human?"

Erik began to get red as he began to hear giggles on the other side of the door.

"Hello, David," Charles interjected. "I'm Charles Xavier and this is Erik Lensherr. Welcome to our home, may we call you David, or do you prefer something else?"

"David is fine, thank you Charles Xavier." The droid bent down and hugged him.

"Ordering Human... Correction... Erik Lensherr specified you'd like the enhanced affection added. Come down here Erik Lensherr hug with us."

"I'm a mutant!!" Erik yelled back as the laughter behind the door became so much the door burst open, littering the floor with giggling mutants.

"Are those intruders?" David 8 was suddenly on his feet again.

"Those are our children!" Erik stated as he went and sat on Charles' lap "but, you know, if you want to stun them or something temporary..."

"Are you jealous of our robot?" Charles said, petting his husband's head.

"When I said affectionate I was thinking of tiny BB hugs not that touching you with his long man-looking arms."

"Oh he's not that cute. And really Erik, he's not my type"

Six year old Luna Maximoff walked over holding David 8's hand and a photo Charles treasured of himself and Erik laughing near the Grand Canyon when they recruited in 1962.

"Look Papa, you and David 8 could be twins!!"

"Tiny homo- superior isn't quite accurate, but yes, it is similar." David 8 added. "Shall I make you both something to eat?"

"I cook for Charles," Erik responded. "Or he cooks for me. And it's Tuesday, which means he makes French toast."

"Well alright," David 8 said, sitting on Erik who was still sitting on Charles. "Let's have a few more cuddles and I'll be off to clean the house."  
Then he planted a kiss on Erik's head as Erik groaned.

\-------  
11:30am  
Luna came dancing into the living room with Logan trailing behind her and noticed David 8 typing on a laptop.

"Hey, I'm Logan."

"Hello Logan- I know who you are. Mr Charles Xavier gave me a yearbook so I know who belongs and isn't an intruder. You are also known as the Wolverine because you have large metal claws that Erik Lensherr likes to use against you. I've memorized everyone's autobiography."

David looked up smiling.

"Right. So what are you doing with that?"

"Well there was some confusion over my being here so I decided to investigate the order. Erik Lensherr really should be more creative with his passwords- it's Charles<3."

Logan began to smirk

"Droids R Us did indeed send me due to BB8 being back ordered. I took the liberty of responding, 'David 8 is working out wonderfully. There is no need to send the BB8 whence it's ready."

Sure it was an invasion, and actually it boarders on creepy, but Erik could use a bit of that. Logan wasn't going to say anything.

"I also ordered ginger oil based lubricant based on several emails from Mr. Charles Xavier expressing his interest in trying it."

Logan began to cough. "I'm sorry."

"Oh yes," David said, turning the laptop. "If you look here, under the response 'what is wrong with me shaping a ginger root the way I have for thirty two years?' you will see his latest link to the product. I ordered three bottles as I do not know how much will be needed."

Logan was speechless.

"Do you think three bottles of ginger based lubricant will be sufficient for Mr Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr?"

"Logan," Luna said- her dance clearly done. "What is ginger oil based..."

"Like wd40," Logan choked. "It keeps old machinery running smoothly. You know they like natural based things. Come on kid lets go show your dad your ballet."

David turned back toward the emails until he noticed a Roomba coming into the room.

"Well hello little guy?"  
  
"Oh hi," laughed Billy Kaplan. "We kind of met earlier. I was one of the intruders in the kitchen."

"Yes, William Kaplan. Son of Wanda Maximoff aka the Scarlett Witch. You're grandfather is Erik Lensherr who ordered me and you have no birth certificate due to the fact that your barren mother warped reality in order to create both you and your twin brother Thomas Shepard, who is oddly a year younger."

Billy just stared.

"You're kind of creepy." He added finally.

"Not at all. I've downloaded all media written by or related to your family, seeing as how I plan on being around for quite a while. As an additional source, Mr Wade Wilson was kind enough to show me many of your grandfather's journals which, I have begun to memorize."

David picked up the Roomba and started to rubs his hands on it. "Tickles."

"Oh yeah. Well I dropped some crumbs over here before and Grampneto's dog is an obsessive licker so I brought in the Roomba to get rid of them."

"Oh how thoughtful," David replied, placing the mini vacuum down. "Off you go little one. Eat up."

\------------------  
1pm  
"Oh come on Erik, you are overreacting!" Charles rubbed his husband's shoulders.

"Would a little afternoon delight make it better?"

Erik's lifted one eyebrow.

"First of all it is that bad but I'm willing to try your ideas for release." He leaned his head back and started to kiss Charles' mouth, speaking between kisses.

"Did I tell you he adopted the Roomba?"  
"Hmm"  
"He named it Spot,"

That made Charles laugh into his mouth.

"I don't know if he gets the joke."

Erik began to undress himself and Charles, crumpling his own clothes and lovingly unbuttoning every inch of Charles; unwrapping him like a delicate present.

He began to kiss him more deeply, pushing Charles' upper body down on the bed.

"After all these years, you still drive me crazy," he said breaking his mouth away.

"Oh Erik, I'm nothing but mush," Charles smiled.

"My mush melts perfectly into your mush, baby," Erik said, lifting Charles legs onto his shoulders and then reaching his left hand- calling a small jar from the vanity.

He began to massage the jar's contents into Charles' opening, leaning down every so often to bite Charles' groaning lips.

"Tease!" Charles gasped, as he regained breathe. "You were a tease the day I met you and you've never stopped!"

"Just the way you want me, my sweet," Erik responded while rubbing his swollen shaft against his lover's slick and open entrance before finally thrusting his way in after what felt like an eternity to Charles.

After several deep pumps, Erik erupted, too soon for either of their liking. As he defeatedly pulled out, and lowered Charles' limp legs, he noticed Erik was alone in his flaccidness. He bit his lower lip, pulling the telepath's eyes to his groin.

"What are you going to do with this situation Heir Lensherr," Charles said cracking a smile. "Are you going to suck it?"

Erik sat up, next to him and looked thoughtfully at him.

"No, no I'm not."

He dipped his hand into the jar once again, taking an even more generous helping, straddled Charles' thighs and began to massage the throbbing cock with his left hand.

"Yours too," Charles let out as his eyes began to roll back.

"I'm making better use of that hand," Erik whispered in his ear, sending shivers down Charles' spin.

He sat back down and Chalres could feel through their telepathic connection that Erik was scissoring himself.

As their mixed pleasure began intoxicate Charles, the telepath felt the magnetist drop himself onto his waist, Erik's mouth creating the greatest sound Charles ears ever had the privilege of hearing.  
  
"Errrrik" Chalres growled, propping himself up on his elbows, for a better view of his lover grinding himself down deeper and harder- hips swaying like a dancer, lips turned up and parting in ecstasy.

"I love you more everyday too," Erik responding to Charles' words in his mind, lifting himself up a bit and dropping down again just for emphases.

"So hungry," Charles said, seconds before the two finished, Erik falling on top of him, their bodies tangling together.

"That was highly impressive," came a posh voice from the corner.

"What the fuck?!" Erik tried his best to sound angry but was still dizzy with afterglow.

"It's true," remarked David 8 as Charles made a mental note to teach his robot about boundaries.

"Researchers report that ejaculation occurs in up to 70 percent of men with incomplete lower-level injuries, and in as many as 17 percent of men with complete lower-level injuries. Ejaculation occurs in about 30 percent of men with incomplete upper-level injuries and almost never in men with complete upper-level injuries. All of which tend to happen prematurely, yours clearly was not."

"I'm mortified, but also very proud," Charles said putting a blanket over them.

"Yes Charles, you are very lucky," Erik said pulling at his hair.

"More than lucky," David continued.

"Though many men who are paralyzed can still quote "get it up," the erection is usually not hard enough or last long enough for sexual activity. This condition is called erectile dysfunction or ED for short. It can also occur to both injured and non injured males with added frequency as they age. Therefore, Erik Lensherr, factoring in the advanced age of both parties, I'd say your copulation was nothing short of a medical anomaly."

"He's got no metal," Erik said frustrated. "How the hell is there no metal?"

"I am made from a space age polymer, but I'm not here to discuss that nor do I particularly have interest in discussing your sexual activities any further; impressive though they may be."

"The robot is telling us what we can talk about, Charles," Erik grumbled and buried his head on Charles' chest.

Charles began to pet his head again.

"I am not a robot, I'm am android. Not that I'd expect you to understand the difference. Regardless, there are simply more pressing issues." David said, presenting the Romba toward the mutant couple."

"Spot came over toward me while I was memorizing and digitizing Erik Lensherr's journal 1982-84."

"You were what!" Erik screamed while tossing a lamp, which David 8 caught.

"Oh honestly, does it always have to be violence? It takes more than a lamp to dismember me and I can't feel pain so don't waste your strength. Now where was I? Oh right, I was reading. Sorry about Nina and your dead wife whom looked from the picture very much like a female answer to your inability to admit your homosexual feelings for Mr Charles Xavier."

Charles began to laugh as David continued.

"Spot came over and at first I thought he wanted to play so I threw him a ball, which I learned he did not want to fetch. I then attempted a belly rub, a very suitable solution to a needy pet. It was then that I realized the abhorrent noise coming from him and discovered a crayon inside of his digestive compartment. The poor thing was chocking!! It's no wonder your daughter died, I'm only surprised your remaining three children lived."

"Get out!" Erik said, throwing on his robe.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said get out! You are no longer welcome in this home. I'm returning you for the BB8."

"I already informed the company that that wouldn't be necessary," David replied smugly.

"I don't care. Go live in a junk yard, Charles back me up."

The screaming had gotten so loud that half the school population was outside the door, something David sensed.

"You've caused a scene, there are dozens of people listening. You might want to lower your voice and not be dramatic."

Never one to step down the theatrics, Erik ripped the bedroom door from the hinges. "There, now the audience has a visual."

The crowd froze except for Wade who calmly waved and said, "hi sex robot."

"David," Charles said. "Your a very nice android but..."

"Nice!!" Erik shook the house.

"Listen you need to leave, I'm sorry. Erik's right. You can't simply say such hurtful things to love of my life- not about her. We are going to find you a new family to stay with."

Wade chimed in. "I know a blind lady with a messy house you can torture."

"Well," David said, still confused as to why he had to leave when it was clear to him Erik was the problem, "it seems I have no choice but I am taking Spot and you will not stop me."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Do Not Fuck The Roomba [Remix of Why The X-mansion No Longer Has A Roomba]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131448) by [Butterynutjob](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterynutjob/pseuds/Butterynutjob)




End file.
